Lube please...

So, I began my first pseudo long run (14 miles) to initiate my training for Western States, coupled with preparing for The Little Grand Canyon Marathon in September. For hydration I was sporting my brand new Nathan pack that holds 70 ounces of liquid, which should be more than sufficient for a run this duration. Anyway, during the run I thought I was consuming sufficient fluid, since I required a stop by my favorite port-o-potty located on Wasatch Blvd. However, when I finished running, and urinated again, I had a sharp burning sensation, which was not a normal post-run experience. Well, the next day it still burned somewhat, so I went to see a doctor. My regular doctor was on vacation, so I saw one of his collegues for the first time. This doctor went over the usual questions, such as asking if I had been sleeping around, and could have contracted an STD. I of course said "NO," since I had been with my wife for almost ten years, and then began explaining the predicament.   Being a doctor, I am sure he is somewhat skeptical to what he hears, so he thought he would conduct his own battery of tests; with one said tests being the abuse of my prostate. I use the term abuse because this was just the second time I have received the dreaded finger, and while IT was up there he pressed quite hard and asked "is that the discomfort you have been feeling?" I emphatically said, "No!!, but it sure is uncomfortable now." By this point our relationship had blossomed, and I think I may have gotten a smile out of him. Then, when he finally removed the probing device he dropped a large gob of lube into my underwear.  There's a precurser to the lube story as well.

When he initially began the insertion process he had to start over and stated "you can never have too much lube." I of course agreed with that statement, since this orifice is not accustomed to receiving. Anyway, back to the removal of the finger. When that large glob of gue hit my briefs he modified his original position and commented, "well, maybe you can have too much lube." I chuckled, and informed him that I will live with the slime in my trousers sooner than I will allow a frictional pointer to investigate, and thus preferred the extra sauce. He slyly retorted, "that's what I thought"...and then hands me a box of tissues.  Next, what seemed like forty five minutes later I was finally done cleaning the gallon of residue still covering my cheeks, mind you, he is in the room within close proximity, and my pants are still around my ankles.

Finally, once all the tests check out ok, he sends me for an urinalysis. The results come back favorable, however, there was a little blood in my urine, which could be a sign of an infection, so he provided me with an Rx of antibiotics. He then states that while he does not think I would have any STD that only presents in extreme situations, he cannot rule it out 100% without poking a swab into the tip of my penis. By this point I am thinking to myself, all I did was go for a run, why does this guy want to use my naughty parts for a science experiment. I decided to pass on the wonderful opportunity of getting violated for a second time, and we began conversing about what his theory actually is. 

Ultimately, his final theory was...during the run my penis was rubbing back and forth on my underwear, thus rubbing the tip raw.  This, coupled with not drinking enough fluid made my non-diluted urine saltier than normal, thus leading to the lovely burning sensation.  While I was not sure this theory was correct, I was willing to give it a try in order to avoid any further testing.  Thankfully, it is now three weeks later, and I am pleased to say that all is/has been normal in that region since. So, you may asking yourself, what is the purpose of this story? It was not to embarrass myself by sharing this intimate tale, but instead, to remind the running community to remember to stay hydrated, and apply lubricant to those parts that may bounce, sway, or rub against something else - otherwise you may go through a series of unnecessary and unpleasant tests. 

Running 100 Miles

For the last couple of years I have mentioned to Stacy that I have as odd desire to run a 100 miles race, and not just any race; the most famous of them all....The Western States Endurance Run. The race is a trail run in California that goes from Squaw Valley to Auburn. The race began in 1955 as a horse race to prove that a horse could cover the 100 miles within a 24 hour period. Not as if it was not already difficult to cover the 100 miles, but the course also has an elevation gain of over 15,000 feet and a decent near 22,000. Well, as one could expect, the event lost its luster, until in 1974 a man named Gordy Ainsleigh was inspired to see if man could cover the same distance in the allotted time. He was in fact successful and completed the run in 23 hours and 42 minutes. Needless to say, this caught on, and 1977 was the 1st official year of the WSER. Anyway, over the years there have been slight modifications to the event, and today there are qualification requirements to meet just so one can apply. The requirements are running an approved race of at least 50 miles, and doing so in less than 11 hours. Additionally, in order to get credit for completing the WSER, one must complete the course in under 30 hours. I am sure many of you are asking, what is the prize for running such an insane distance, the answer is....a belt buckle. Below is a photo of the silver belt buckle, which is awarded to those that finish the race within the original allotted time of 24 hours.

Nevertheless, enough of the history. As of tomorrow, I will begin my quest of not only qualifying, but running the WSER in the 30 hour time limit, so I can receive that coveted belt buckle. Of course this is not a short term goal due to the amount of time and sacrifice that is required, so my intent is to run a 50 mile qualifier next year, and hopefully win a spot in the raffle to be able to run in 2013. So, if I look a little skinnier and bedraggled the next time you see me, you will know why.